Witze

[FzudemA]

Alkoholfreies Bier zu trinken ist wie seine Schwester zu lecken.

Schmeckt richtig, ist aber falsch.

haha oida

[Blackie75]

Mehmet ist krank. Er ruft morgens seinen...

... Chef an und sagt: "Scheffe,

ische

nix könne komme arbeite, mir tun alles weh,

Kopf tun weh, Hals tun weh, Beine tun weh,

isch nix komme heute, Scheffe."

Meint der Chef: "Tja Mehmet, das

ist

natürlich scheisse, grade heute brauche ich

dich dringend. Weisst Du was ich mache, wenn

ich krank bin? Ich gehe zu meiner Frau, die

bläst mir einen und schon geht´s mir wieder

gut. Versuch das mal!"

Darauf Mehmet: "Gut Scheffe,

ische

versuchen das, isch wieder

anrufen."

Zwei Stunden später ruft Mehmet wieder an:

"Du, Scheffe, haste Du mir

gegeben

gute

Tipp, ische wieder ganz gesund, nix Kopfweh,

nix Halsweh, isch gleich komme - übrigens

Scheffe, du hast schöne Wohnung!

[servasoida]

Mehmet ist krank. Er ruft morgens seinen...

... Chef an und sagt: "Scheffe,

ische

nix könne komme arbeite, mir tun alles weh,

Kopf tun weh, Hals tun weh, Beine tun weh,

isch nix komme heute, Scheffe."

Meint der Chef: "Tja Mehmet, das

ist

natürlich scheisse, grade heute brauche ich

dich dringend. Weisst Du was ich mache, wenn

ich krank bin? Ich gehe zu meiner Frau, die

bläst mir einen und schon geht´s mir wieder

gut. Versuch das mal!"

Darauf Mehmet: "Gut Scheffe,

ische

versuchen das, isch wieder

anrufen."

Zwei Stunden später ruft Mehmet wieder an:

"Du, Scheffe, haste Du mir

gegeben

gute

Tipp, ische wieder ganz gesund, nix Kopfweh,

nix Halsweh, isch gleich komme - übrigens

Scheffe, du hast schöne Wohnung!

Hab ich scho oft ghört, is aber immer noch leiwand

[renna]

Alkoholfreies Bier zu trinken ist wie seine Schwester zu lecken.

Schmeckt richtig, ist aber falsch.

[Campione]

Alkoholfreies Bier zu trinken ist wie seine Schwester zu lecken.

Schmeckt richtig, ist aber falsch.

Den wollt mir gestern auch schon jemand verzapfen.

[shankly]

Alkoholfreies Bier

Schmeckt richtig

Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?

A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.

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Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

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A sexy lady up to the bar and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?'' The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.'' The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why should I be scared of you."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian". The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says "that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway." So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks. The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her he says "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

--------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, "Hay buddy whats your hurry?" The man says, "If you had what I have you would do the same thing". The bartender backs up and says, "What do you have". The man answers, "About 75 cents!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three

times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"

The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

--------------------------------------------------------------

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy stumbles home completely wasted. He spends at least an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success. A policeman happens to pass by. "hey whats the trouble mister?" "I cant get the damn key in the lock" says the man. The cop helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way. the drunk shouts "wait wait, I really appreciate it, let me show you my house!!" "No no, I'll just be on my way"says the cop. "no no just a second, I really want to show you!! So the cop finally agrees and they go inside. They enter the living room. "there's my tv, my stereo and all that" says the man. "thats nice" They go through the kitchen. "there's my microwave, the new refrigerator, pretty nice huh?" kids bedroom, "those are my 2 baby boys" "yes, they look cute" finally the mans bedroom "that there's my wife, and thats me next to her."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks himself up and strides back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink".

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours, when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

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A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do that. I am asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.

"Well then, we need a urine sample."

I'm sorry Officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk"

[asbo_drinker]

aus anlass gestern von nem englischen freund geschickt bekommen:

kate middletion asks the queen "whats the secret of a long marriage?"

the queen replies: "wear a seatbelt and dont piss me off"

[swalley]

Gerade auf Twitter gelesen:

Pippa Middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book. You know Harry's going to be in it.

[antisymmetric]

Alkoholfreies Bier zu trinken ist wie seine Schwester zu lecken.

Schmeckt richtig, ist aber falsch.

auch wenns hier moralfrei zu geht: du grindige sau :greenoops:

[Mark Aber]

2 Antiwitze die mich gestern erheitert haben.

Was sind 90 Nazis im Eck ?

Ein rechter Winkel.

"Larisssa issst die einzige in unssserer Familie die nicht lissspelt. Larisssa ssag was gscheitsss"

"UAARGH "

[shankly]

Gerade auf Twitter gelesen:

Pippa Middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book. You know Harry's going to be in it.

Hahahaha! Den hättens gestern bei der Übertragung bringen sollen...

"Larisssa issst die einzige in unssserer Familie die nicht lissspelt. Larisssa ssag was gscheitsss"

"UAARGH "

Erinnert mich an die Projekt-X-Folge, in der HPL Knötzl den einzigen Hund der Welt spielt, der "Mama" sagen kann. Dass er viele andere Sachen auch und viel besser sagen kann und eigentlich ganz normal spricht, ist nicht das Besondere daran!

[j.d.]

kate middletion asks the queen "whats the secret of a long marriage?"

the queen replies: "wear a seatbelt and dont piss me off"

Pippa Middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book. You know Harry's going to be in it.

[rocket_korki]

Pippa Middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book. You know Harry's going to be in it.

[Blackie75]

Harry, when he was a very young lad aged 4, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'

His father explains, 'For that Harry, you have to have a boy and a girl.'

So Harry answers, 'I've already found a girl.'

'Who?' splutters his Dad.

'Grandma,' continues Harry happily.

'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says.

'You want to marry my mother? .......... You can't do that.'

'I don't see why not?' Harry responds, 'You married mine!'

********************************

Kate, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ' What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Kate says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' Best Man Wedding Speech Jokes

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.'

********************************

[unnerum]

[...]

"Larisssa issst die einzige in unssserer Familie die nicht lissspelt. Larisssa ssag was gscheitsss"

"UAARGH "