Witze

[Blindman]

Der Herr Bischof kommt zum Urologen.

"Herr Doktor! Herr Doktor ! Immer wenn ich die Vorhaut zurückschiebe gibt´s mir so einen Stich!"

Der Arzt "Ok, Hose runter, schau'n wir einmal"

Der Arzt untersucht den Penis des Bischofs und ruft kurz darauf "Da hamma´s schon!"

Darauf der Bischof "Herr Doktor, was ist, was haben´s g´funden ?"

Darauf der Urologe "an Milchzahn!"

[Herr Max]

"Herr Doktor, Herr Doktor, ich krieg mei Vorhaut ned zruck !!!"

"Ja sowas borgt ma a ned her"

[grapper]

"Herr Doktor, kann man mit Durchfall baden?"

"Ja, wenn sie die Wanne vollbekommen!"

[p a t]

"Herr Doktor, kann man mit Durchfall baden?"

"Ja, wenn sie die Wanne vollbekommen!"

wie oft willst den noch bringen

und wie oft muss ich dir noch sagen, dass der witz einen linguistischen knicks hat (mit durchfall impliziert nicht, dass man darin badet)

und überhaupt

[grapper]

wie oft willst den noch bringen

und wie oft muss ich dir noch sagen, dass der witz einen linguistischen knicks hat (mit durchfall impliziert nicht, dass man darin badet)

und überhaupt

Treffen sich 2 Depperte. Sagt der eine:"Können sie mir sagen wie spät es ist?"

"Ja!"

"Danke!"

[Rooster]

"Herr Doktor, ich habe einen Knoten in der Brust!"

"Wer macht denn sowas?"

[manu7]

der war gestern bei tv total

bearbeitet 23. März 2011 von manu7

[Rooster]

der war gestern bei tv total

Zufall, ich hab ihn von Uli Stein geklaut (und der gute Stefan Raab wohl auch )

[p1]

Treffen sich 2 Depperte. Sagt der eine:"Können sie mir sagen wie spät es ist?"

"Ja!"

"Danke!"

[p a t]

Treffen sich 2 Depperte. Sagt der eine:"Können sie mir sagen wie spät es ist?"

"Ja!"

"Danke!"

geht doch

[StopGlazer]

dirty jokes, copy+paste, part 4:

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

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Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

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So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

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To men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"

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There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

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This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

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Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

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A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

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A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

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An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

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Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

[mrbonheur]

What's the population of Austria?

About twice as many as you'd think

Mah, was habe ich Josef Fritzl-Jokes zugesandt bekommen

bearbeitet 23. März 2011 von mrbonheur

[antisymmetric]

What's the population of Austria?

About twice as many as you'd think

Mah, was habe ich Josef Fritzl-Jokes zugesandt bekommen

ach, da hat man doch nur die alten Dutroux-Jokes umgeschrieben

[psywalker]

Vater: Na, Sohnemann? Wo warst du heute während der Schulzeit?

Sohn: Im Unterricht

Roboter schlägt Sohn

Sohn: Okay, ich war im Kino und hab mir Filme angeschaut.

Vater: Welchen Film hast du geschaut?

Sohn: Toy Story

Roboter schlägt Sohn

Sohn: Okay, es war ein Porno-Film

Vater: WAS? Als ich in deinem Alter war, wusste ich nicht mal, was ein Porno ist

Roboter schlägt Vater

Mutter: HAHA immerhin ist er dein Sohn

Roboter schlägt Mutter

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meine Frau fragte mich:

mit wie vielen Frauen hast du geschlafen?

Ich habe stolz geantwortet:

nur mit dir mein Liebling.

Bei all den anderen war ich wach.

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Ein Rentner-Ehepaar kauft ein Haus im Bodental für seinen

Lebensabend.

Nach ein paar Wochen kommt der Bürgermeister sie besuchen.

Wie geht es Ihnen? Gefällt es Ihnen in unserem kleinen Dorf, auch

wenn wir etwas ab vom Schuss sind? Sie langweilen sich hoffentlich nicht bei

uns ?

Was machen Sie denn so den ganzen Tag?...

Der Opa antwortet:

Wecken um 7h: sexuelle Aktivitäten, danach Frühstück, wieder

sexuelle Aktivitäten, Duschen. Dann gehen wir auf den Markt einkaufen.

Um 11h Rückkehr vom Markt, sexuelle Aktivitäten, Kochen und wieder

sexuelle Aktivitäten, Vorspeise, Essen, und sexuelle Aktivitäten

zum Nachtisch.

Um 15h kleiner Spaziergang mit Madame.

Um 18h Rückkehr: sexuelle Aktivitäten, um nicht aus der Übung zu

kommen.

Um 19h Abendbrot, sexuelle Aktivitäten.

Um 20h30 Abwasch und sexuelle Aktivitäten am Spülbecken.

Um 21h ins Bett, da sehr müde...

Der verblüffte Bürgermeister fragt:

Wie alt sind Sie denn?...

Ich bin 86 und Margret wird 78 im Frühling...

Glückwunsch ! sagt der Bürgermeister besorgt. Und was exakt verstehen

Sie unter sexuellen Aktivitäten?

> - Sie geht mir auf den Sack...

[Blindman]

Eine Frau kommt in eine Bar und bestellt einen Martini.

Nachdem sie ihn getrunken hatte, blickt sie in ihre Handtasche und

bestellt noch einen Martini.

Nachdem sie ihn getrunken hat, blickt sie wieder in ihre Handtasche und

bestellt einen weiteren Martini.

Nachdem sich das ein paar Mal wiederholt hat, wird der Barkeeper

neugierig und fragt, warum sie nach jedem Martini in ihre Handtasche blickt.

Da habe ich ein Bild von meinem Mann drin und wenn er anfängt gut auszusehen, gehe ich nach Hause."

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Ist Sex in der Fastenzeit erlaubt??????

Ja, natürlich! Aber nur mit dem eigenen Partner, denn es soll ja Buße sein und nicht Spaß machen!